1. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
2. Does a fish get cramps after eating?
3. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
4. How can someone "draw a blank"?
5. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
7. If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
8. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

I think a good portion of these came from student's as well...
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My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their

THE MANY TYPES OF POOPIES

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you felt the poopie come out, there's poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out and see it in the toilet but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 500 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with skid marks.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Many parents are hard put to explain to their youth why some music, movies, books, games and magazines are not acceptable material for them to bring into the home, for their youth to see, or hear. One parent came up with an original idea that was hard to refute. He listened to all the reasons his children gave for wanting to see a particular PG-13 movie. It had their favourite actors. Everyone else was seeing it. Even church members said it was great. It was only rated PG-13 because of the suggestion of sex. They never really showed it. The language was pretty good.

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet; when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up:

I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.